Tuesday, May 7, 2013

To Give the Gift of Life

To Give the Gift of Life

You had your eyes open just a little while ago but now you just want to sleep. I wish you would open your eyes and look at me. My child, my precious, my angel sent from heaven. This will be the last time we are together. As I hold you closer to me and feel your tiny body warm against my own, I look at you and look at you. I feel as if my eyes can’t hold enough of you. For a human being so small, there are a lot of you to look at in such a short amount of time. In a few minutes they will come and take you away from me, but for now, this is our time together and you belong to me and only me.

Your cheeks are still bruised from your birth. They feel so soft to my fingertips, like to the wing of a butterfly. Your eyebrows are tightly clenched in concentration- are you dreaming? You have too many eyelashes to count and yet I want to engrave them all in my mind. I don’t want to forget anything about you. Is it alright that you’re breathing so rapidly? I don’t remember much about babies, for my babies are all grown but I know one thing for sure- I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART. I love you so much and there is no way to tell you. I hope that someday you will understand. I ‘am giving you away because I love you. I want you to have in your life all the things you deserve- safety, security, compassion, stability, joy and acceptance because- I LOVE YOU. I want you to be love for who you are.

I wish I could squish you back inside of me- I’m not ready to let you go yet. If I could just hold you like this forever and ever and never have to face tomorrow- would everything be alright? No, I know everything will be alright if I let you go. I just didn’t expect to feel this way. I didn’t know you would be so beautiful and so perfect. I feel as if heart is being pulled from my body right through my skin. I didn’t know I would feel so much pain. Tomorrow your mom and dad are coming to the hospital to pick you up and you will start your new life. I pray that they will tell you about me. I hope they know how brave I have been. I hope they will tell you how much I loved you and love you still because I won’t be around to tell you myself. I will cry everyday somewhere inside of me because I will miss you so much. I hope I will see you again someday but I want you to grow up to be strong, beautiful, and happy and to have everything you want. I want you to have a home and a family. I want you to have children of your own someday that are as beautiful as you are. I hope you will try and understand and not be angry with me.

When the nurse comes into the room and reaches out her arms for you, it will be time to let you go. I can feel your heart beat rapidly and you finally open your eyes. You look into my eyes with trust and innocence and at that moment we lock hearts. Good bye my baby, a piece of my heart will be with you forever.

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